the world is etched upon your heart.

mokatem

2008-11-08T14:37:43Z

From everything leading to a perfect
god given moment of looking down on
this city I cannot bear to love but
I cannot bear to leave, god, we spend
the night drinking tea and coffee,
coffee and tea, until we decide where
to have breakfast, and they will promise
me everything under the sun, even the
sun itself. So we take off, chasing her,
while she eludes us through buildings and
one way streets but nothing matters here
anyway, we drive past cemetaries where
people have made their homes, and
dogs that have claws like lions he
tells me they are good dogs, but they
will never leave you alone; like egyptians,
I think. And when we find her I stop,
for the first time in months and think
maybe I was wrong; they promised me
everything, I need to just open my eyes
and see what is in front of me.

Bes.

2008-11-08T14:29:02Z

As I turn the corner the boys in the store
they scream, LOS ANGELES, and I shout back,
NEW YORK, thinking maybe this isnt proper
behavior for a foreigner in a refugee camp,
but god damn, they need to know where Im from.

But on the way home, in the dark, I know Im
entering a house that was built with cold
hands in desperation, and Im yearning for my
privacy while I watch over ten people in
a room grab and shout at eachother, little
kids running and jumping about until a
shoe gets picked up as a threat, and they keep
laughing and shouting and the TV is blasting
and I realize they must have no time to think
about their lives, with all these people,
with all this noise.

And in the morning when I go, the boys shout
again, LOS ANGELES, but this time I keep quiet,
not because I think its proper, but because
since I dont know where the hell I am, or where
I am going with each step and breath, maybe,
just maybe I dont even know where Im from.

I walk back to the house with Noor`s hand in mine,
and Annas by my other side, feeling important, as
a group of girls come running up behind me, shouting
all the while but I didnt even know because
I dont undersand this language. Question after
question, with smiles and giggles, I can only say mish
fahma, I hear ingleezi, I say aywa, ana amrykaneya,
and they smile and walk away in the group. I follow
the two little kids, I see Mayar in the street crying;
I stop to comfort her, but look up and see a man
waving his hand as if to say its not important. So I
let Noor lead me by the hand up stairs,
to a rooftop, to a doorway, to a sofa, to food,
to more confusion.

And another time I come home and Mayar is again
outside crying, tears streaming down her little face,
and there is no man to tell me anything so I stoop down,
wipe each tear away and ask in Egyptian Arabic,
el mushquela ey, and in English, its okay, its okay,
knowing she doesnt understand either, she quiets and
I hug her as people walk past and again I feel okay.
But in the morning, in the morning I know I will wake
and hear the shouting outside my bedroom door
of the three children who live there, the women who
come in and out of the house, the boys who are
cousins and nephews and brothers, the confusion that
keeps my head under the covers and makes me think;

I told him a month ago,
I dont think I am strong enough, to do this,
to live here. He said you dont have to be strong -
only if you are Palestinian.

Downtown Cairo, 4, 5, 6am

2008-10-26T06:10:00Z

Watching the light from the sun
through rooftops and balconies
the same ones I spent two months
diverting my eyes from, the thick
smog makes the colors soft, and quiet,
the only time in the world
this city has slept, and I am
witnessing it. An empty sidewalk
cafe with a pot of Egyptian tea,
two packs of marlboro reds,
and me and him. I wonder when
I am supposed to let go, and when
do I grasp every single moment
floating in front of my eyes;
there are thousands of them,
little molecules of moments just
waiting to be gobbled up by time and
hands and eyes and mouths, anything that
we can use to grab this moment,
we do, as we sit in silence,
sipping the little glasses,
talking in both broken english and
broken arabic and know I need to
take them all as I hear him say,
catch me; if you are cold,
or if you are scared, catch me.

And I know I will, god willing.

blueopium @ 2008-10-25T08:02:00

2008-10-25T06:09:01Z

It's already better. It's not what I wanted, what I planned, nor what I could have even hoped for, but it's even better than all of that. God is good and God forgive me for ever forgetting that, and for ever forgetting to keep him FIRST and FOREMOST in my life; I forgot about two things, for a long time; God and writing, and I know I can communicate to my higher power through my writing. So I swear to God, I will keep writing. Regularly. Because I am so grateful. I will write because I am so grateful, and I don't ever want to forget how much, and I don't ever want to forget how good life is to me today.

Malish

2008-10-25T05:53:50Z

I don't know where it is. I'ts 7am in Cairo and I'm
finally finding out what I have been doing with my life;
there is no room to breathe and write, and the writing
has now come and gone, and the desperation is back,
which means, which means, the passion is back.

Thank God.

I've been here for two months and it is long enough
to know that I need to leave; but every time I go to
leave, I find another one. Four and a half years and I'm
still chasing that one; that hit; the problem is, every
now and again, you get high - and it makes it all
worth it. I realized that the colors are missing from
my life, I don't see them here and I either need to
open up my eyes, or keep moving. My legs are tired,
but my heart is strong, but sometimes I can't
tell the difference.

I'm writing in here again
My mother says, she has clout with God;
we are Irish, the Irish have clout with
God; they must.

I need to make a committment, to write
and breathe and live and love life, like I used to;

I don't know
if it's the Latin,
or the Qur'an;
maybe it's the Spanish,
some of them say that
when you learn two languages, you diminish your abilities in your first;
If I am trilingual; quadralingual; what will happen
to my words, my breath, the spaces on the page
Ya hablo en cualquier idioma
that seems most convenient
at any given time; yaani, ay haga.

Now everything is lost; this is not, how it should be,
this is not, how I meant it to be; but there is no
room, there is nothing left for ego or image or
pride or fear of what who, god only knows who,
thinks and I forgot, I forgot...

I'm writing in here again because I just found the journal - I didn't even remember the name, but a bout of nostalgia had me searching through internet pages for photos and words and memories - and I like the colors. They remind me of what I want my life to be; I like the words, too, the remind me of when I was a writer. God forgive me, I'm not a writer anymore. Too much, I have so much in my life now, my life is so big now - international, yaani - that I have become lost between lands and people and languages, too far from where I was meant to be; This is all backwards. Forgive me. Malish.

I need to bring back the conviction; the air beneath the
step that I take into everybody's life, as I come and go
and as he comes and he comes I remain indignant, I need to
remain as I was,

This is all wrong.

Garbage falls outside my window and I wonder if the man will come back; each night he throws a rock at my window. I never got up to look, but tonight I did - and I saw him, on the roof of the next building, hiding behind a pipe. I ran back inside and shut off the light, but then I went back to look for him. He was gone. I wanted to yell, AYZ EY? I waited for him, to see if he would come back, but it's been a few hours and I haven't heard another rock, and I don't see him. Soon anyway the other man will come out onto the balcony from the other building, and I will see his reflection in the window and watch him stare off into space. I wonder, if I can see him, does that mean he can see me?

And in twelve hours I will be back on the ground chasing
something to make me want to stay, and need to leave; there
is always something, always just when I need it the least.

I want to go back to
living in moments; I still
am like that, you know,
wanting each moment, each
minute to last for days,
the little things that make me
smile and remind me why
I am still here; inti sokar,
inti assel, and they say
they love the way
I speak arabic; it's cute.
I want to be a wanderer,
again, to move freely in the streets and
time and fantasies and memories;
My mother is a wanderer - a wiggler,
one woman said; she wiggles her way
into situations, and wiggles her way out;
her sisters joke, you could tell her,
"The house is burning down," she, staying put,
"Oh, it's okay," I want to be okay
in the middle of a burning house.

I want to still be that person
that walks into the middle of the field
at 6am with two feet of snow on the ground
just to sing at the top of my lungs and
take pictures of the trees.
But the trees here, they don't want
any pictures.

I told you, it's all wrong. But I will write,
until it makes sense again. Or until it makes
the kind of sense it used to make.

Garbage falls outside my window and ALLAH
is all around me, but it doesn't make that
much of a difference. Not as much as I thought
it would, anyway. Because nobody pays
any attention.

Life is good, I swear to God, life is good.

blueopium @ 2005-11-29T08:43:00

2005-11-29T13:43:49Z

new livejournal!

_dziekuje.

(so, that's, www.livejournal.com/~_dziekuje).

: )

- jillian

something inside the cards i know is right

2005-04-10T04:49:43Z

so, as of late, i believe i'm losing my mind.
but everybody tells me that i am right where i'm supposed to be.
on April 17th I'll have one whole year without drugs, including alcohol.
I get to celebrate on my clean date, which is kind of cool.

I'm going to PM school, which is normally 2pm-4:30pm, because i can't wake up in the mornings, but I have to go in early 'cause my schedule's packed because i am graduating a year early, so i go in at 11:10 for gym every other day, until 4:30. The days I don't have gym, I go in at 12. I don't see the point. I mean, I'll graduate this way. But I was hoping to go in at 12:40, and still be able to make some meeting in the morning, but nope. this is how it is. i don't know when i'm going to make meetings.

and i'm getting a car, a fucking '98 geo metro with 108,000 miles for 500 bucks. and it's green. and i think i am very ungrateful lately when in fact i should be incredibly grateful. i am alive, i am clean, i am graduating a year early from high school, i have a job that i love, etc.

i don't know what's up with college yet, i think i'm never going to make a decision. brooklyn college looks more and more dangerous and difficult every day. st. joe's and hoftra look much easier but i think i'll be unhappy there. i also applied to queens. i don't think i'd be happy there either. eh.

taking it one day at a time.

blueopium @ 2005-03-20T15:30:00

2005-03-20T20:36:00Z

found something i wrote awhile ago about my mom,
happened last summer.

and she said, "I'm crying because,
you are the most wonderful kid in the world,
and everybody just keeps fucking you over.
And I keep trying to help you, and make things easier for you,
but I end up fucking things up for you too."

i love my mom. things are rough with my father (that's a big understatement). haven't been thinking about my brother. i need a car and i need to stop living based on my own self will. i have to go into PM school and start working nights, and fit meetings somewhere inbewteen. I have to write a paper and fill out the PM school app and stop fucking around. i need to start praying more and get real fucking serious about my recovery. just went over my third step with my sponsor. now i'm gonna go bake cookies for my homegroup that i'm chairing tonight. : )

it's all time

2005-03-18T06:19:40Z

I got a job
passed my road test
got a free car
along with free insurance
found cartons of cigarettes for twenty dollars a piece
got my dog groomed
a cute boy took my number
got a potential place to live in astoria, for the fall (also free)
got my fee for my CUNY application paid

I might not graduate because of my attendence so I may have to go into pm school
and i don't want to but
if that's the bad
and all that up there is the good
i've got no freakin' complaints
and it may just be a blessing in disguise.

and i can only drive to school and work for two and a half months until i get my full liscence
and it will be tempting to drive all the time, especially to meetings
and i haven't been getting schoolwork done because i have been so busy
i have two papers due tomorrow that i didn't do
but again
no complaints
everything will be ok

sunday i am going over my third step with my sponsor
and i am very excited
april 17th i celebrate a year clean
and i am even more excitied
i am remembering to pray
and read the just for today every morning
i am not making as many meetings as i used to but i am taking care of me
making phone calls

everything is so good

and i failed my road test three times
and almost didn't have a car to take it in, this last time
because my mom and i fought, and she left
and i kind of expected to fail it again
but i got on my knees for the first time in my life
and prayed
and i'm not saying that's why i passed
but what a coincidence, huh?

: )
i am so grateful for NA
and my life
and my recovery
and all the people in my life
and all the gifts i've been given
: ) : ) : )

blueopium @ 2005-03-07T01:50:00

2005-03-07T06:58:39Z

well i'm over whatshisface

and i have learned some things in the past few days
like,
i am very, very selfish. and obviously so, since self-centeredness is the core of our disease, but i am still so selfish, i wasn't working away from it because i hadn't identified it. now i have, and now i can.

i am not practicing step one in ANY of my affairs, besides maybe the drugs, and i really need to. it's about powerlessness, and i need to understand how much I am powerless over - and stop using it as a cop out to things that I am in fact, not powerless over.

i need to take time out to pray every day, and turn my will over to the care of god. i have the willingness, i am just not doing it. and i really need to, and want to, and hopefully i will gain the habit with practice.

i love my commitment at my homegroup. I chair it. it's an amazing feeling, and i feel like somebody, and i feel like i'm giving back and bringing the message of hope, and being relied on and having a commitment to anything isn't as scary as i thought.

however, i start work tomorrow, and i am scared. i go gfrom 3-6:30 for i guess training. i'm just a cashier at a healthfood store, but christ, is it scary. i get my schedule tomorrow and i already have to say i can't work this friday, and there's a couple other dates in the next month or so that i can't work, but i feel like an asshole cause i totally got the job from somebody in the rooms, doing me a favor, they don't even really need me. so, i don't know.

i've learned i need to be more grateful, and outwardly so, and inwardly. 'cause when it comes down to it, if you asked me on any given day at any given time, i'd tell you i was grateful as all hell, but i don't acknowledge that all the time, so i need to do so for myself, i need to remain both grateful and humble, and so the same thing and share gratitude and hope and faith in the rooms.

and i've learned that my head is a bad fuckin' place to be, and hanging around outside people is more dangerous than i think, but not because of them, but it gives my disease a perfect chance to pop up and make me feel normal and make me feel like i fit in with the rest of the world, and i don't need NA, i can do this on my own, blah blah.

and i've learned that this really is an everyday battle with my disease, but there is nothing, nothing at all that should prevent me from winning, on a daily basis, besides myself - because i've been given all of the tools, and i just need to use them. i just need to remember to use them, and do it.

i've learned more than i thought, in the past couple of days. and i like that.
i need to look at each day as more of a learning experience.
but also, once i learn, i need to take action.

dear mark

2005-02-19T08:29:45Z

I remember the first night I noticed you, and the next night you noticed me, and I remember you taking me home and just casually going, "you hungry?" and taking me out to forty dollar dinners, getting sushi and thai food, vegetarian duck salad and green tea, and having me try all these new things. And taking me back to your apartment, just watching whatever happened to be on the television at eleven at night, and me wanting so badly to just keep spending time with you and never knowing if the feeling was mutual. And I remember findout out that it was, just after I was giving up on you, and I decided to not give up, because there was something about you, something in you, but now I think maybe it was more something in me. And I remember pulling up to my house everynight and how you'd play "just one more song" ten times, and we'd sit there in silence and eventually you'd have to go home to wake up for work in the morning. And I remember confronting you about our feelings, because I couldn't take it, and your reluctance because of my age and it wouldn't be right and self-restraint and not ruining the friendship, and all that. And I remember riding home from Bayshore on your lap and having to confront the feelings once more, and I remember the comfort and closeness and short kiss, and after that, that was it. But I was confused and not content with leaving it at that, with the awkwardness and I called you even though everyone told me not to, told me to play some stupid game but I wanted to know how you felt, and again it was just the age thing, that was what you said bothered you, and a couple of weeks later you got that out of your head as you told me that you wanted to kiss me goodnight but it felt wrong, but we did and we kissed for hours. And then we had something, and I was happy with it even though you wanted to keep it a secret, and when you picked me up it was a kiss hello and here and there and then another hour or so making out in the car before I went into my house. And then maybe I pushed too much, at the convention I suggested we get a room and you said "oh I would of wanted to oh trust me I would want that more than anything, it's too short notice though" and I invited you in a time or two, and then it was, "I'll see you tomorrow," and I didn't see you that Monday, which was tomorrow, because you didn't call me and I didn't call you. But I called Tuesday and left a message, and you called back Wednesday saying you were going to Smithtown, btu you just never showed up so I called asking about you, worrying, because we're drug addicts and when you say you'll be somewhere and don't show up, we worry. and I had to call back thursday and finally caught you for a few minutes, but you were out in Patchogue and said you'd talk to me soon, but friday I called asking for a ride, a favor, as a friend, and you never called back so I started to worry and get upset and I called Saturday, a little concerned and asked if you were going to the meeting and if you could drive me home, because I had to give you your book back, and I did, and you never called me back and I couldn't stop thinking about you the whole meeting, and I was mad at myself that I had called so much because at this point it was obvious that you didn't want to talk to me. And then sunday came and went, and I didn't call, but you didn't show up to our homegroup and you had a commitment, and you totally abandoned it, so now I began to worry again. And monday came and went, as did tuesday and I started to became sick with worry but Tuesday somebody said they had heard from you, so I became real angry again, because I assumed if someone heard from you, you were okay, and not using, and I didn't understand why you couldn't just fucking call me, as a friend, to let me know you were okay. But Wednesday came and somebody pointed out that you very well could of been using, just because someone heard from you doesn't mean anything, so once again I became so fucking worried, and I called you that night, and I said, "hey, it's me, listen, just call me back, please, and let me know that you're okay, I haven't heard from you in a while, I'm worried. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, just please, call me while I'm at school or in the middle of the night when you know I won't be around and just leave a message and let me know you're alive." And my voice was strained with concern, yet you still didn't call back, so the worrying continued. But Thursday, I talk to some kid that says he saw you Monday, breifly, and talks about some girl you're dating. And my heart dropped, and I ask about this girl, and the guy goes, "oh, what are you jealous?" Because he knew I had feelings for you but you lied to him because I was your big fucking secret, and he didn't even know we were together, so I couldn't even say anything, and I broke down, I called my sponsor hysterical crying, and shared in the meeting and just broke down, and I didn't even know what the fuck I was feeling, I was angry I was upset I was just a mess. Friday, Saturday, Sunday comes, and by this point, I identified what I was feeling and I was ANGRY, Friday in the meeting I shared about hoping, praying you didn't come to our homegroup Sunday because I was pretty sure I was going to punch you in the face, because I knew if you showed up it'd be without apologies, you would've acted like nothing was wrong, but hey, I didn't have to worry because once again you didn't show up to our homegroup. And Monday, Valentine's Day, came and went, and I was starting to get over you, and Tuesday, the day you were supposed to move to Florida, came and went and I had no idea if you were in New York or Florida, using or not, dead or alive. And then I went to a meeting Wednesday, once again struggling but getting over you, and a friend of yours whom I rarely speak to pulls me aside and just starts talking, "Oh have you talked to Mark?" And I say no, he hasn't called me in two weeks, and the kid says, "Oh, yeah, he left for Florida Tuesday," so I ask if he's spoken to you, and he says yes, "I went out with him the day before he left," and I already knew you were calling back other people besides me so I wasn't even too angry but out of nowhere this kid mentions, "his girlfriend." And yeah I had heard that you were "dating some girl," but it was vague and not definite and just dating, but YOUR GIRLFRIEND, and he goes on to say, "Yeah, you know, he hasn't been with anyone in a really long time," LIKE I WAS NOTHING "and he really, really likes this girl," AND APPARENTLY I WAS NOTHING, and stupidly I ask questions, like, "oh, how long has he been seeing this girl?" and your friend goes, "oh, probably about... two weeks, probably the same amoutn of time since you last talked to him," and I ask what you were doing about going to Florida, if she was going with you or what and he just says he didn't know, and I just walked away, very rudely, but I didn't even realize, I was just so dumbfounded and I wanted to just cry in somebody's arms but there was no one, nobody there and the ride home was horrible and I ran in my house and broke down, and probably called about eight people, calming down and finally hearing from my sponsor, and I heard lots of good things from everybody, like "it's his fucking loss", and mark, it is your fucking loss, and "he doesn't know what he's missing out on," and you really don't, and my sponsor pointed out that this girl can't mean much and if she did go to Florida with you after two weeks that's no fucking healthy relationship and it's not going to last, and I called you for the last time, after I had calmed down, because I needed some closure, and just let you know that I was in pain and that I still care about you and love you as a friend, and I hope Florida works out and I hope you're still clean but I want you to know that you hurt me, and that I think what you did was wrong, and now looking back I wish I had said more I wanted to let you know some other things but your machine cut me off and I had to call back and leave a short second message, which I felt stupid enough about, and the next night, I took your number out of my phone, and that's it.

that's that.

But I want you to know that WHAT YOU DID WAS FUCKED UP and you made me worry sick about you, and AS A FRIEND you should of called me back, again, even if you knew I wouldn't be around just CALL ME AND TELL ME YOU'RE ALIVE AND OKAY, it's common courtesy, that's all there is to it, that's all I'm upset about, you want to date somebody else FINE, I'm not that crazy, that's fucking fine but HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME, be a FUCKING MAN and don't just IGNORE ME and STOP MAKING EVERY SINGLE MEETING TO AVOID ME and NOT RETURN MY PHONE CALLS AND THINK EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY, because it hurt me, and I think you're a prick for doing what you did, and yeah I would've been upset if you told me you wanted to date somebody else or whatever, but this pain is so much worse, the pain of not knowing, god, and you tell me about how you're practicing veracity and trying to be totally honest in everything, this was the most dishonest and scummy thing you could do to me. And it all CAME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, and I'm still confused and I don't know what happened or what I did and you left me insecure and hurt, now I sit here thinking of all these things that I could've done wrong or all these things that you might've hated about me, and I think you didn't like me all along and I just, I just don't understand. And I'm sick of crying over you, sick of thinking of you, because I know you're in Florida not giving me a second fucking thought. And maybe I places expectations and maybe I felt more for you than you did for me, maybe I felt too much maybe I let you know too much maybe I should've listened when people told me about these stupid games to play, but I don't fucking live like that I don't care how old or young I am, I'm going to be honest and I just expected you to be the same to me and I DON'T think that's an unrealistic expectation. Ugh.

And now it's over, I can't call you anymore, I don't expect you to call me back, ever, really. Maybe I'll see you again, maybe I'll talk to you again, but maybe not. Maybe I'll never hear from you or see you again in my life. I've got to be okay with that. I'm just trying to get over it all.

blueopium @ 2005-02-07T01:30:00

2005-02-07T06:36:27Z

I am going to go
sit in front of my
mini fridge with
a cigarette
an ashtray
a notebook and pen

and make some
poetry out of magnets.
magnetic poetry.

it used to feel like cheating
kind of feels a little cheap and dirty but
i love it ;D

the world is yours

2005-02-06T07:11:51Z

i love people in recovery, all the friends i have in my life today
i got dragged out to Ruby Tuesday's, even though I wanted to go home and sit in my misery
and it made me feel much better : ) I had a good time
plus they bought me dinner like always
when I start working I really have to getting the tab
speaking of working, my friend in recovery said he could get me a job at Wild by Nature, at the register, anytime I wanted. I should probably take up that offer soon, I need to work. I'm worried though, I barely make time in my life to do everything I have to do as it is.

So getting involved in a relationship before your first year, with somebody in recovery with under a year, DOESN'T work. Huh. Who knew.

Hah. If i just fucking listened to my sponsor in the first place, I wouldn't be in this situation. I know I put myself in this position. But I was miserable tonight, because I called him last night and left a message and tonight and left a message and he didn't call back, and didn't show up to the meeting, and the only reason I'm upset is not because he didn't call me back but because I'm so fucking stupid for calling him. I called him all week, and he didn't call me back, unless you count wednesday when he called saying he'd be at Smithtown, and then didn't show up. And then when I called worrying about him, wondering where he was, he didn't call me back.

I take that back. I was mad at myself, not him, now I'm mad at him, not myself. Because I can't do anything now that I kept calling him, excpet not call him. But I am going to take a ride from him tomorrow night if he gives it to me, if he shows up to his fucking homegroup, because I want to talk to him and let him know that it's not right that he doesn't return my calls and act like we didn't have anything going on - even as a FRIEND he shouldn't be not calling me back, that's so rude, it's just fucking common courtesy, we're drug addicts, if you don't hear from one another you start to worry.

and i'm going to tell him i can't do it anymore and i'm gonna not talk to him unless he calls me and wants to do something, i'm done being this desperate little girl i hate this shit i do it all the time
haha my friend james does the same thing, he always jokes about it like, "do you love me now? How about now? What about now? Do you love me now? What about now? Maybe tomorrow? How about now?"

And it's funny, but it sucks. And my sponsor's right, I deserve much better. Ugggggh. I just hope I stick to my plan tomorrow.

I had a very nice day though. I woke up and got some breakfast with my friend Kieran. Then I took a shower and sat outside, since it was beautiful even with the foot of snow on the ground, and did some stepwork. My father came over and fucked around with my computer, which is much better now. Just have to find sound drivers and install those. Otherwise it's a-ok. Then I went to the meeting where I felt like shit 'cause I was expecting him to show up and couldn't stop thinking of him. And Ruby Tuesday's was nice. And I love my friends in recovery and I love life because overall today was a very good day, the good definitely outweighed the bad. And even if it didn't, it'd still be a good day, because i'm clean. :D

And last night I got to see my friends outside of recovery, which was very nice. I'm beginning to feel comfortable venturing out into the outside world, haha. I definitely needed a break from it for a while, needed to immerse myself in recovery and recovery only. I'm still immersing myself in recovery, but I think I can deal hanging around people who are using once in a while, just need to keep my phone close by and be careful. Very careful. I don't want to fucking lose what I have, and I wouldn't in a million years, but hey, relapse happens. Just gotta keep working my program strong : )

Tomorrow I'm gonna hang out with this kid Matt, I think, he called me tonight and I said I'd give him a call, I gotta go to my homegroup tomorrow but maybe he'll wanna chill during the day. A bunch of kids from my school, very chill, I love them but I've never hung out with them. So hopefully that goes well.

And we have a business meeting tomorrow night and I'm going to take the chair position. And I'm nervous but very happy, very excited. Definitely will keep me involved. I had setup/cleanup but was always late so I never setup, and everyone cleans up afterward, so it was nothing important. I'm definitely nervous about having to show up on time, and find good speakers and all that - but more so just the showing up on time. I'll just have to make an effort to leave at least ten to fifteen minutes earlier, to be safe.

:D :D :D
love life.
hope tomorrow goes well.
if not, oh well. : )

sometimes i pray

2005-01-28T05:49:32Z

Oh man, is life good.

It is fucking amazing how God puts just the right person in your life, at JUST the right time.

I started seeing a counselor (I guess the correct term is therapist, I always say counselor) and she is AMAZING, oh god, she is helping me through so much, so quick, I've seen her three times and have already gained an amazing amount of clarity on something I've been unnecessarily suffering from for four years.

Mark and I are good.

: ) : ) : )

and life is good

and my sponsor is in Italy but that's okay, I have my support group. I spent time with this guy Joe the other night and we had this awesome conversation for two hours, you know those conversations where there's not even a pause and you talk about so much deep shit and you relate and you laugh and ah it's so great.

This weekend I am going to a convention :D which is exciting

and i guess that's really it
life is so good

and when i walk alone i listen to our secret theme

2005-01-20T04:57:14Z

Well I was dealing with straight up lonliness, a while ago
misconstruing my lonliness for real feelings for somebody but now
I've actually gotten these strong feelings and
I don't know what to do
He's leaving in less than a month
plus, he's uncomfortable with my age
enough said, right? it should be. but i can't stop thinking about him and i just make it worse for myself by hanging out with him & taking rides & everything...

the good thing is, i'm not obsessing. it's just sad. it's just a little sadness in the back of my throat when i see him or think about him. But, it's not overcoming my life or anything, and i'll get over it, i know i will.. i just don't want to, i want to be with him.

This is where I'm supposed to pray for God's will : )

which I suppose I'll go do.

btw, i have nine months & two days clean today. : )

and i love recovery, and i love life
and i love all the people God placed in my life
and I love my higher power

I am not a pretty girl

2005-01-18T04:43:21Z

Life's been too good to me.

my relationship with my high power has been...
well, like they say, beyond my wildest dreams.
but really, beyond anything i could ever imagine -
I never thought I'd ever BELIEVe in a God much less trust, love, and communicate, on a daily basis. It's absolutely dumbfounding, but i feel wonderful.

I've been waking up early - yesterday I got up at EIGHT, yeah, eight am on my day off from school - and making a cup of coffee (and pouring it in the mug my sponsor got me, with a quote from Hellen Keller on it) and praying, and writing, and reading the just for today, and really just feeling wonderful. i couldn't ask for anything else.

I did something I feel kind of bad about, and it wasn't me, and I'm wondering if I should make amends, or let it go. I need to know what my intentions are in making amends. I'll figure it out. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I've been on such a high for the past four or five days. And I know I need to come down eventually, because that's how life works. It's about balance. So I'm kind of expecting it, but maybe I shouldn't be, I don't know.

Went to an awesome anniversary tonight. Thirteen years. There was one Sunday, too, and Tuesday & Wednesday two of my friends are celebrating.

I love recovery. I love the people in my life today. I love my relationship with my higher power. I love being clean.

And tonight I was singing Ani Difranco in the car with some friends, and I sounded awesome, and they said I did, and they wouldn't of said it if it wasn't true, and it really made me feel good. and it really makes me want to quit smoking, and do something with my voice, but I feel like I'm past that point.

Yeah, I feel shitty, even though I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I'm gonna go read, and pray, and go to bed and hopefully wake up early. : )

lovelovelovelovelovelife.

you can see that it's only everywhere

2005-01-12T06:28:12Z

Oh, the way this life
turns you around and around again and it never ends
it's wonderful

stressed out today, trying to fit
my whole day in one day
you can never accomplish everything
priorities first
the way things work out
and it's about progress, not perfection

it's about making decisions based on his will
praying for his guidence but putting the footwork in
beliving what you believe and letting others do the same; it's
knowing what works for you
because that's what life is
working for you
first and foremost;
when i'm all here
i can help others
but with out me nobody benefits
"when you try to please everybody, you don't please anybody. at least if you please yourself, one person is pleased." and then you can pass it on
give away what was so
freely given to you
everything was given to me free
living is free
i am free, today
i am living, feeling, breathing coughing laughing smiling hoping praying wishing loving

i'm going to ask mark to get sushi on thursday, my treat
he's moving out of his apartment this weekend and leaving february 15th
jess gave me a suggestion not too long ago to back off and sadly i'm not taking it
once again thinking i can do it my way (isn't it crazy that i know i'm doing the wrong thing but doing it anyway, telling myself and making myself believe it's the right thing. two totally contradicting thoughts at the same time)
but anyway i believe in
making the most out of the time that you have
and dealing with the loss when it's here
he's not gone yet and i'm not going to detatch yet
but i know he's leaving so i want to spend quality time with him
as a friend
and my true intentions for thursday are that
to spend time with a friend
and i'll try my best to keep it at that and not place expectations because
i KNOW i know
they won't be met.
well i do expect
a friend

that's all
but i don't think that's unrealistic
i should specify
...expectations aren't bad
it's the unrealistic ones
but it's knowing the difference

oh this life
i really do love life
i really do feel so wonderful
and my life my recovery my sponsor my friends my god
everything is perfect
and when it's not, it's perfectly imperfect.

i believe in the power of anything.

my god's been so good to me
and i'm truly blessed
and i'm going to live one day at a time
just for today.

"I wrote a letter to you; gettin’ over myself, yeah"

2005-01-10T05:05:28Z

I discovered a new amazing chili peppers song, Mark showed it to me. It's called "This Velvet Glove," and of course I look way too deep into things and since he played it for me like three times making sure I heard the words I think it's about me. We're just friends, everything's cool between us but god damn, is it hard to be around him. I mean, put something in front of an addict and say, "you can't have this," they're going to want it even if they never did in the first place. and if they did want it in the first place, well now it's just fucking ridiculous how bad they want it.

I have to write a third person narrative for school
in three different points of view
and i have to go to sleep
and i don't want to narrate anything

and i've got this song on repeat, and i'm so unhealthy it's nuts but
everything's okay, everything is okay lately
doing what i'm supposed to be, or if i'm not, i know i'm not and i'm trying to
skipping a meeting on tuesday and going swing dancing with friends
which is good, i've been using meetings as a way of getting out of myself, i think, or if not i've just been going to too many, which, yes, that is possible
it is possible to get too much of a good thing
i've never been swing dancing i don't really dance but
i'm excited
gotta go narrate people
got this song on repeat, love this song
love life today,
i really do

love jillian.

this is my world, I invited them in

2005-01-06T03:50:11Z

so I write; I'm a WRITER THIS IS
what I do; and if it brings me down, so I
go down writing; if it takes me out,
I go out writing and if it kills me, I die
with a pen in my hand. And FUCK priorities man,
it's all good and well and I live my life organized and orderly
productive member of society but
there are
exceptions to
e ve rything-
i can't forget i've
not lost but only gained
for a while I thought -
the passion! where'd THE PASSION GO I
think life is about passion and i fear complacency
(but obviously not much in this itself)
i know now that
exceptions must be made for passions yes even the
detrimental ones because THIS IS WHAT I DO
i've been put on this earth for one reason
well, maybe several but this
is the
one that
i am going to take
everything else follows but
fear doesn't rest within my passion
because passion looks out for you;
passion will take you
exactly
where you need to be;

and what comes
hand in hand
i'll take in stride
i'll take steps but
follow his will but i know
i take comfort in knowing
in this instance -
this one and only, lord i know
his will is mine;
my passion breathes hand in hand with my god, my life.

so i wake up very relieved

2005-01-03T04:38:13Z

not last night but the night before i had this crazy dream

so i go into this bar with about 50 other recovering drug addicts
and see i really didn't want to go in, I'm saying, "guys this isn't a good idea, we have no place in a bar," but they said it was fine, they were seeing a band or something, some good reason to go into the bar, so we go in and i'm sitting in the front of the bar and this recovering addict next to me orders me two drinks, two beers, so i'm looking around at everyone else and nobody said anything so I pick them up and I'm looking around like, "well, okay, I guess we're allowed to drink," like the rules of NA have changed and alcohol is now okay; so I drink these two beers and then this guy brings over two jello shots and whipped cream; and i start putting the whipped cream on my hand, just to have a little bit of whipped cream and as i do, i look around and get this feeling of terror like i just did something really wrong, that it's not okay to drink and i just drank - so i get this feeling that everybody is staring at me and watching me relapse so i turn back around and a bartender comes up and goes, "How old are you?" and I just go, "TAKE THESE AWAY FROM ME" and shove the jello shots at him, so he does and walks away.

So I'm freaking out now because I know I relapsed, and I ask this one guy if I did and he says yes, but I say, "I only had two beers," and his repsonse is "but they were tall beers" like as if they were regular sized it wouldn't have been counted as a relapse.

So I go up to this other guy and ask him if he thinks I relapsed, and he asks me how many beers I had and I say two, so he reaches into his pocket... and you know what he places in my hand? Two gold girl scout pins, but they were meant to be like the white keytag, but meanwhile i'm thinking, "what a JERK, he could've just given me one," he gives me two like rubbing it in my face that I relapsed. So I storm away and run outside, and all I remember are some bums sitting outside smoking cigarettes and I was like, one of them, and some of the recovering addicts were standing in a little circle but I was very left out, and the whole rest of the dream was just me freaking out because I knew I relapsed but I knew it wasn't my fault and I didn't want to start all over again and I didn't think it was right that I had to, but I knew I had to

and so I wake up very relieved.

I laid there for a good half hour just trying to figure out what happened, if it was real or a dream, and in awe of how real it felt. Because the immediate feeling when I woke up was that of guilt and worry and I really believed I had relapsed. Whew. Just a dream.

If you're scared, just think of me.

2005-01-01T10:21:18Z

Tonight I told my brother I loved him.

And I did that, because with this new year, I'm leaving the past year, and all others before it, behind me. Carrying baggage from the past, holding resentments from four years ago, hating my brother; it all only hurts me. And I don't need to hurt myself today.

My new year's resolutions? To stay clean. To stay vigilant in my recovery, and to keep my recovery first, above all things. To keep on track with school. To pray, and turn my will over to my higher power; to follow His will. To let go of the past. To reach out. To loosen up. To think less, act more. To trust my higer power, and have faith. To make time for what matter in life; to spend quality time with my friends in and out of recovery. To set up boundaries; to learn to speak up for myself, and protect myself. To take care of myself, take time for myself to relax and to be good to myself. To practice spiritual principles in my life at all times, in all areas of my life. To stay positive. To live, love and laugh.

This is going to be a good year.

I know.

And how could you dance

2004-12-31T07:41:38Z

Well, I wanted to be in bed hours ago, and I've been trying not to smoke right before I try to sleep, but, I felt like I had to write. And I figure, writing is what has gotten me this far in life, it is my life, therefore I better listen when something inside of me wants to write. And smoke while I do so.

Life overwhelms me, sometimes way too much to be healthy. I worry a lot. I project a lot. I get in my head too much. My disease takes control a lot. I'm working on it. I have been told I have the tools to not let my disease take over, and I'm using them, but I mean, of course my guard is down from time to time. And my disease never sleeps. So it creeps right in any chance it gets. And it's just bothering me. And I don't know what's physical, what's mental, what's emotional, what's psychological, and what's my addiction.

I know I'm not one to decifer, not now.

Tomorrow I'm going to a speaker jam in Northport. It's in a church, the basement has food, the main floor has the dance, and the top floor has marathon meetings. It's from 7pm-1am. I really didn't want to go. I really wanted to hang out with my friends. But I came to the conclusion, on my own, that it wouldn't be wise. If I had a car, I'd go to the first meeting and then go to my friends, and be able to leave when I felt uncomfortable, but that's not the case. And I know I'll be uncomfortable around them at some point, I always get that at parties with them, at some point in the night. And you know what, I'll be uncomfortable at Northport, but I'll be in safe surroundings, and there'll be no way to use or hurt myself, or even to isolate - which I do very well at parties, suprisingly enough, without many people noticing. It's very simple to get inside my head and stay there. But at the speaker jam, there'll be people there to bring me out of it. And I love my friends, and I need to see them soon, and I will. I've come to the conclusion that I have to say, in so many words or so many ways, "This is the kind of friendship that I can offer you." I don't want to be around them while they are drinking, or using, and if they want to see me we can make time and go get a cup of coffee or dinner, which I know they will do. I do love my friends.

Shit gets rough sometimes. Like I said, I get in my head too much. But I've been praying a lot. And reaching out, a lot, to women in the program. Reaching out to people with a little bit of time, or people who have their head on their shoulders, for my own benefit, but also to the newcomer. I've been reaching out to a lot of newcomers. Can't keep what I have unless I give it away.

And I'll probably have nobody to kiss when the ball drops, and that's been fucking with my head, but I've never had anybody to kiss when the ball drops, so what difference is it to me? Just because I'm extra lonely lately, it's going to hurt more? I'll be fine. And I haven't heard from or seen Mark in a coupel of days - I left him a message Wednesday afternoon, and haven't heard back since. He always calls me back. So either our friendship is ruined, or he's in bad space or has gone out. I'm really hoping the friendship is ruined, because I care so much about him, I hope he didn't relapse. But if he did, I know he needed it. I know it means he wasn't done. And whatever the outcome may be, I will be fine with it. He wasn't planning on going tomorrow anyway, and Saturday I'm not going to be making the meeting I usually see him at - I'm going out to Riverhead with my sponsor and some other women in recovery - so I won't see him until Sunday, if he's still around. And I'm not going to call him, I'm going to wait until Sunday to see if he shows up or not - it's our homegroup, so he wouldn't miss it unless he went out. I'm not calling him because my sponsor suggested I back off, and I plan on it. For my sake, and his as well I guess. Wednesday was going to be the last time I consciously made an effort to talk to him. So, I just have to wait and see. I hope he's okay. I mean, I'm praying for him. But I think I almost hope he relapsed, if he needed it, and not that I am one to take anybody else's inventory, especially of their recovery, but I didn't think his recovery was strong. He came to meetings halfway through. Never shared. And so on. Maybe if he relapses, he'll get a better sponsor. I don't think too highly of his sponsor now. I don't know, again, I'm not one to judge. I just hope for the best, whatever the fuck that is.

And now I'll go off to bed, because I've done what I was supposed to. Dump some shit out in writing. : )

Oh, I haven't written poetry in a month or so. It kills me. I can't force it. I have to wait for it. Something came out tonight at the meeting, half-forced, half-felt. It's not too bad. I can't wait 'til shit starts really coming to me again. I have to look out for it. I'll definitely have pen and paper ready for tomorrow night.

Come see the vampires of New York

2004-12-27T06:59:11Z

When I have a break I take too much advantage of it, and don't get anything done. I really never get much of anything done, I worry sometimes about how the hell I'll be in college, on my own. I'm re-thinking Brooklyn College. I mean, I really don't want to go anywhere else, but I'm getting more nervous about an apartment in Brooklyn. I get mixed opinions. Very mixed. Either it's the worst idea in the world, and it's completely and utterly impossible because of how dangerous it is; or it's no big deal at all, it's entirely doable, and I'll be just fine.

But, that's not what I have to worry about for today.

I feel like after Mark and I kissed he's acting different. Which, he said he was afraid would happen if we got involved, that our friendship would deteriorate, but, nothing happened. It was just a small kiss on the lips, a short moment of closeness & comfort. Saturday he drove me home and we sat in the car for an hour talking & listening to music, like usual, but usually when he wants to go, he just says he's going to get going. Saturday he kept yawning and shit, and he looked like something was bothering him so I asked if he was okay, and he said he was just tired. So... I asked if he wanted to go home, and he said yeah. But he still didn't go to hug me goodbye, he just kind of sat there, it was very strange, like he didn't want to tell me to get out like he usually does. So after a couple of minutes I gave him a hug and left. Tonight, we got a lot of snow - Claudia picked me up and we went to Coram - there were only thre or four homegroup members there, out of like, fifteen, Jess' car couldn't make it, and the secretary, treasurer and other chair (Jess alternates chairing with this other guy, Justin) weren't there, but eh, what are you going to do. The coffee guy was there, the timer and the meeting list guy, and Jess called someone to chair, so it worked out. So Claudia was giving me a ride home - she lives right by me, so now I have another way to/from meetings besides my mom and Mark - but I asked Mark where he was going tomorrow, and he said Bohemia, and as I was going to ask him for a ride home he kind of ran off. Maybe I'm being all paranoid but I'm going to talk to him tomorrow, on the way home from Bohemia (because if he's there I'm sure he'll give me a ride, even if something is going on). I hope it's nothing. Ehh. I want what I want when I want it. It sucks.

But yeah, tomorrow night I was invited to this girl's party, someone from my school. My friend Margot asked me to go - haha and I know Margot reads this, Hi Margot - and I love her and I want to see her so I said I'd go, but now I don't think I am. I know I'll be uncomfortable. Not just because there'll be drinking, but I always feel uncomfortable hanging out with kids from my school, I never feel like I fit in, I don't know. I really do want to go, because I always struggle with that, trying to feel a part of, but it never works, I just can't do it. But I don't know. I will probably just go to a meeting, especially since I really want to talk to Mark, but I don't know.

Also, when Mark and I first started hanging out he'd take me to dinner and stuff, after meetings, but we don't do anything anymore, which is weird - we know we both have feelings towards eachother, but now we do lesS? It's strange. And it sucks. Because I want to hang out with him and just sit in his apartment and watch tv like we used to or go get sushi again or anything like we used to. But I don't say anything because most importantly I just want to keep the friendship we have aaah it sucks.

Don't expect me to cry

2004-12-25T23:38:32Z

This morning I went to Pax Christi, a shelter for men - they can only sleep there though, it's pretty sad, they have to leave during the day so most of them just sit or walk around in the cold until they can go back in. I went with my sponsor and three other people in recovery, and one of their grandmothers came. They usually get like, rolls and butter for breakfast, so we cooked them a whole big meal - eggs, bacon, pancakes, bagels - it was awesome. they were very appreciative, they even gave us a round of applause (a few of them) and I heard one guy go, "That's what sobriety gives you."

I really had an awesome time, we're going to do it every holiday.

Last night I went to a meeting in Bohemia at eight, got a bite to eat with two people from the rooms who I haven't hung out with before that night, and then went to the midnight meeting. Mark took me home; we kissed. Just on the lips. A couple times. And he held me and, I don't need to explain it but it was very nice, more of like a whole closeness thing rather than a sexual or relationship thing. Today a couple of my aunts and my cousin came over, just a very relaxing day. I really enjoyed my holiday, for the first time in my life, and I'm so glad. I love everything my mother got me and she loves what I got her. I'm going to go to a meeting in a little bit.

I also got five phone calls today from people in recovery wishing me a merry christmas : )

I'm so grateful right now.
: )

I feel the question of your loneliness

2004-12-18T05:46:07Z

Tonight I told Mark how I feel. He feels the same -- well, maybe not eaxctly the same, because I didn't express how I can't stop thinking about him -- but he thinks the healthy and best thing to do is to stay friends. Not even for recovery reasons but he doesn't want to "contaminate" the friendship that we have now. I agree, I told him I agree, but I can't fucking stop thinking about him.

The thing is, when I was using, I got whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I did whatever the fuck I wanted, and I didn't care what anyone else wanted. I'd be with you whether you wanted to be with me or not. Ha, it's really sick, but it's true. In Canada, I liked these two guys, and I hooked up with both of them but neither of them wanted to hook up with me at all - it was really sick, the one I actually like would hang on and corner and bother him for hours, he'd literally have to push me off of him, it was so fucked up. I just didn't understand that I can't do whatever I want. Even with my mom. I never had any sort of discipline - if i wanted to stay out all night, I did. And I said "Fuck you, Ma," when she told me to stay in or not to go somewhere or not to sleep at some random guy's house. So now, I want to be with Mark, even though I know it'd probably only cause us both pain, I still want it, and my disease - this god damn disease - is making me obsess over it. I can't stand it. I really can't. I can't even really share about it, 'cause he's always there. I need to go to a women's meeting.

I just really can't get him out of my head. And my disease is justifying everything - well he likes you, too, there's no reason why you can't be with him; you could make it work; you could stay friends and just be close; you're still friends with your last exboyfriend;

Speaking of which, I need to call Jason. I'm going to do that now. I just have to pray about this, for the strength to let it go -- I have to pray for the right thing! Now to "make it work", or whatever, but for the strength to just let it go, stop obsessing. Fucking addiction. I hate it.

Anthony Kiedis is a genious. I never even realized what his music was all about.